to all the people I lie to

An open letter: to all the people I lie to ...

I have a confession to make ... I lie. ALL the time. Right to your face. 

The reasons are many and varied, but if you ask me a personal question, I’m usually not going to be 100% truthful... 

But, if I’m just not telling the whole truth rather that fabricating everything I say, does it count as a lie? Is it really so bad? Can it be regarded as self preservation or does it just make me two faced?

I mean, no one wants their pants to spontaneously burst into flames, but do little white lies count? 

People say you should be yourself with no secrets, lies or variations in personality, but can you be authentic if there are parts of yourself you don’t like? Parts of yourself you are ashamed off, parts of yourself you are scared to talk about, sick of talking about or unwilling to talk about. 

I’m not the best at expressing my emotions. 

I mean, I’m over emotional at times, I’ll cry at a TV advert, shouting puppy when I see a cute dog (no matter the age of said dog) makes me instantly happy and I can hold a grudge longer than the Hatfield and McCoys ... but it’s superficial. 

I don’t talk about myself, I hardly talk to myself about me. I don’t like to feel vulnerable, exposed or naked. 

I don’t like some aspects of the way I think or feel. 

So I lie.

I lie when I try to talk to you about my health, I downplay or generalise every aspect but my condition is varied and random. I lie when I say I’m “tired”, because what I really mean is that I feel like I’ve had a heavy weekend, flew long haul overnight, was hit by a bus and caught the flu. I lie and say “I didn’t sleep well” because it’s easier then explaining that I slept for the past 48 hours, unable to wake up long enough to eat or drink, but woke up today feeling like I’d just finished a night shift and need my bed. I lie when I say I’m frustrated, because what I really mean is that I’ve acknowledged the only way for this pain to stop, is for me to not be here anymore, but knowing thats not an option for me means I’m stuck in this half existence. The walking dead - alive but not living. 

So, I lie to maintain a normal conversation with you. 

I lie so my honesty doesn’t come across as preachy or condensing, because my symptoms are chronic and real, even when I don’t “look” ill. I lie so I don’t have to hear myself complain again about things I’ve come to realise don’t matter to anyone but me. I lie so I don’t seem self indulging - absorbed in my own pain and suffering and unable to focus/care about anything else. I tell you I “don’t feel well” to excuse my stand offish or my quiet and withdrawn behaviour that is actually me trying to focused on getting through the day. I might lie sometimes when I’m sympathetic about your coughs and colds, sleepless nights or some minor issue that irks you significantly for a few days, yet is something I’ve lived with daily for the past decade, with little support. I lie when I tell you I’m doing ok, that I’m doing as well as I can, or that I’m managing.

The worst of it is, I lie to myself too. 

I lie when I think “I feel good today”. I lie when I think i can do the things I use to, that I can do all the things I want to or that I should be doing all of these things. I lie when I feel hard done by, because I know how lucky I am. Equally, I lie when I tell myself I should be grateful my illness isn’t worse, because it’s still real enough to change my entire life completely. I lie when I think people don’t care, because I know they do. I lie when I think I shouldn’t bother others with how I really feel, because deep down I know people would be by my side in a heartbeat if I really needed them. 

So please gang, hang in there with me. Because I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m literally taking it day by day. Im failing a lot, the only thing lower than my confidence is my mood.

I’ll cancel, change or back out of plans last minute. If I turn up, I might not be 100% myself, alert and engaging but I’m not deliberately being rude, ignorant, or lazy. Im just trying my best ... and I hope you can all see that. 

❤️

XOXO