Worst Blogger Award ❤️

Hi Gang,

So I nominated myself for an award this month. It’s for the Worst Blogger ... I think I have a good chance 🤞🏼

😂😂 seriously, I wish I had been doing something terribly exciting or adventurous or even just interesting, but I haven’t. Honestly, I just couldn’t be bothered. I have so little energy right now that, between you and me, this post has taken me a couple of weeks to write 🤦🏼‍♀️

I love the weather today, it reflects how I’m feeling. Shit!! Does anyone else find that their symptoms change with the weather? Or their mood? Like, seriously, how am I suppose to get anything done when I live in England and we have a heat wave, thunderstorms, hail, frost and a blizzard in one day?? Other people wonder why us Brits always make small talk about the weather, but it’s because it’s a bloody unnatural phenomenon sometimes.

Personally, spring and autumn are the most comfortable, with autumn been my favourite time of year. The leaves are falling and the weather is crisp and blustery, which isn’t too depressing is you hear Winnie the Pooh saying it!! The colours are warm and beautiful and the build up to Halloween is always fun (Hocus Pocus anyone??) Symptom wise - the milder the weather the milder the problems, most of the time anyways. For example, the heat has reduced the inflammation and pain to my joints, but increased my brain fog, low energy and fatigue. Cold weather is just bitter and I tend to seize up ... joint and muscle pain to the max. And I’m definitely not the only one who struggles to wake up when it’s dark outside. So in summery, summer is bad, winter is worse 😩😩😂😂!! 

There are some symptoms that will never ease up. For example, no matter how long, how well, where or when I sleep, I will always wake up feeling like it’s bedtime. The struggle to keep my eyes open is impossible to describe and my sight seems fogged or glazed over for a good hour or more no matter how much I wash them, what light I’m in or how much coffee I drink. Which is really fucking scary when you drive for your job!! 

Anyone know where I can buy this??

Speaking of which, I’ve just finished my first five weeks back at work after 27 weeks off. Seriously, more than half a year signed off sick. My return had been very very gradual, working only 3 hours as oppose to my usual 10 hours. Several weeks in and I’m still not doing my full hours yet. I don’t work full time anymore, I had to sack that off after several long-term episode of sickness absences a few years ago. I usually work 9.5 hours a day for three days a week, which before February when I got signed off, had been the balance I needed. 

Sadly, nearly 10 years into my illness, I still struggle to read my body. anticipate symptoms and generally understand what is going on. This is generally how I feel at the moment. Four weeks at work and I feel like I’m struggling. I hope that it’s just because I’m not use to long episodes of being physical and mentally present and alert, but there is always the little voice on my head that knows I also feel this way just before I crash. For the first two weeks I was really tired and lethargic, then I remembered I was due my B12 injection and was praying that was the reason why. It wasn’t. Then I was hoping it was the sudden weather change - the heatwave is definitely over and “winter is coming!!” (love Game Of Thrones), but I’m not sure the temperature is the solely responsible. 

I hate this feeling. The fear of doing anything to aggravate my symptoms but feeling well in myself that I want to do things. Not knowing if I’m pushing myself to hard at work, if I’m on my way to relapsing or if I’m just generally tired and achy because I’m not use to this level of activity after several months off. I know I’m one of the lucky ones for still be able to work at all, but it’s hard to consider myself that way when everyday is a battle.

It’s basically Limbo. Not good but not terrible either. Having to book a day off work in order to recover for having fun. Or living a life of going to work then going to bed, with very little in between!!! Thank god for true crime podcasts ... binge listening to those totally count as an activity right?? Ooh, has anyone else been listening to the new series of My Dad Wrote A Porno?? I’m OBSESSED, literally crying with laughter everytime. It’s a good one to listen to after all the murder and kidnaps 😂😂

I’m hoping I can continue to post on the blog, I really don’t want to leave it so long. You’ll just have to bear with me whilst I adjust to working life again.

xoxo